Vulnerability… The Path To Creating Deeply Connecting Relationships.
Vulnerability is such a vital part of relationships yet it can be so hard for many people. Why? Let’s look at what vulnerability is. The Mariam Webster dictionary defines vulnerability as “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded” and “open to attack or damage”. Emotional Vulnerability is about being exposed and potentially getting hurt because of that. This exposure is about allowing yourself to be open by exposing the parts of you that you prefer to keep hidden deep within. It’s about allowing yourself to be truly seen and known by others. Vulnerability requires courage. And though it can be risky and scary, it can be very rewarding as it allows us to create stronger relationships and greater connection with others.
“CONNECTION REQUIRES VULNERABILITY AND THE COURAGE TO BE AUTHENTIC AND GENUINE.” Brene Brown.
The path to love, connection, and joy in a relationship is through vulnerability. We must choose to open up our hearts to fully experience the joy of loving. Unfortunately, many of us prevent the fuller experience of life we truly want and the depth in relationships we could attain by avoiding vulnerability, and not choosing to step into it. We seek to protect ourselves from pain and we end up building strong walls of protection around our heart that keep others just far enough so that we don’t get hurt. Sometimes it’s so subtle that we didn’t even realize we are doing this, and other times we deliberately convince ourselves that we are independent and don’t need others. The truth is that we were not made to be alone and isolated; were made for connection and community.
So what does it mean to truly connect? I’ll use Brene Brown’s definition because she explains it in a meaningful way: “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from their relationship”. Those are the kinds of relationships I want to have with my husband, and closest family and friends, wouldn’t you?
Go back to your childhood with me for a moment. Do you remember the princess Rapunzel? She is the princess that was placed in a beautiful castle tower to keep her protected from anything that could harm her. And protected she was! But she was also alone, isolated, and longing to see what life could be outside of those protective walls. You see, the truth is that it will be very difficult to feel joy, love, and fulfillment as long as we choose to keep ourselves (our true selves) locked inside a fortress. How can we have the kind of connection that Brene Brown describes when we do not fully open up and become vulnerable? Yes, being vulnerable can be scary. Yes, tearing down the walls that have “protected” us is challenging. But the joy we long for is not found behind those walls. The relationships we hope to have can only be created where there is vulnerability and a trust that your partner will see you for who you are, accepts you, and will be there for you when you need them.
If you protect yourself and keep your guard up then you may have a hard time feeling like you are connecting and feeling distant from the people you love the most. You must put the walls down in order to feel close to those you want to have a close relationship with. Is it risky? Yes! The closest people to you, the ones you allow inside those walls, are the ones most likely to hurt you the most. Why? Because you are allowing your heart to be exposed and connected to them. But, those are also the relationships that will fill you the most with love and security. You can’t have deeply connected relationships with anyone you don’t allow to come in to your heart. Anyone kept outside of those walls of protection will always be just distant enough to not “hurt you” but also to not truly fill you. So yes, it may feel risky, but it is also worth it!
I hope you decide to start the journey towards greater vulnerability in your life. However, as you seek to move forward in this path you may have some questions:
Who do I allow myself to be vulnerable with?
How much do I actually open up and share with others?
Why is it hard for me to open up?
What are healthy boundaries to keep so that I am not hurt?
Where and how do I start?
We would need a much longer blog to unpack these questions! But, if you want to learn more about how to open up yourself more to create more meaningful relationships and you don’t know how to get started, reach out to us! We can help guide you.
Here are a couple of recommendations for you to help you learn more about this topic:
You can take a look at this great TED talk by Breen Brown, whom has focused her career in researching this topic of vulnerability and how it impacts us. https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o?si=2ed3CEbXr-Tbh1dq
I also recommend her book: Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, if you are interested in learning more about the power of vulnerability.
